Marcus Brigstocke

01/06/2010

Comedian, age 37

At 16 I was a very, very fat and unhappy goth. I was a devoted Cure fan, a bit of a stoner and a heavy drinker. I had a laugh with my mates, but time spent alone wasn’t happy. I was a compulsive over-eater – it’s a very isolating thing, an addiction, it makes you feel alone, and that you’re defective and if anyone knew the truth about you you’d be hated. I felt no one would love me because I looked so ugly, but I also thought I might be fundamentally unlovable.

I’d been kicked out of school and sent to this weird school in Devon for kids who couldn’t get a place anywhere else. Issues within my family had become very difficult. With me living away from them in Devon, we avoided some of the more difficult confrontations. If you’re driven by an addiction, that’s a cause of huge tension in a family.

I know I wasn’t ready to hear it then but now I’d like to go back and tell that boy he’s not alone, there are other people like him and he’s no worse and no better than anyone else. Lots of people struggle with this stuff – even the best looking, fittest, strongest, most talented people are plagued with doubts and insecurities. That’s what I tell my kids.

I went into rehab at 17 and got a lot of help. I halved my body weight in seven months. It was a completely new start for me. I left Devon and moved to London and went to drama school and university. I won the BBC New Comedian of the Year in 1996, so by the time I left university my career as a jobbing stand-up was well under way.

For me, stand-up scratches an itch. I’m so drawn to it. It makes you feel loved and wanted and special. Perfect if you’ve indulged an addiction in your life. So it took a lot of passion, but I didn’t feel it took courage. I didn’t get nervous. Stand-up is very straight and honest. You can explore subjects that other art forms find it difficult to go into. You can express yourself, talk about anything, but if they’re not laughing, you’re not doing it right. I like that simplicity.

I do have a few regrets. I did The 11 O’Clock Show and I should have walked off. The producers were not good, they were very cowardly and arrogant and they pushed people on that show to do things they wouldn’t have had the courage to do themselves. Going out with a camera and bullying people is a very low, easy thing to do – people are intimidated by a camera so they’ll say silly things. I did a few of those kinds of things and I wish I hadn’t.

I think if I hadn’t deep down had a feeling that it was all going to be alright one day, I’d have killed myself. I wouldn’t tell my 16-year-old self what was going to happen because I wouldn’t want to spoil all the brilliant surprises coming my way, but I would want to tell him that sneaking feeling you have is right – it’s all going to
be okay.

Interview: Jane Graham